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Where my heart speaks about it's anonymity..
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Showing posts with label Off the Hook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Off the Hook. Show all posts
1:02 AM
Posted by Sana
Walking on the sea,
Seems just a dream.
Let me float, let me fly.
Burn my wings, let me Die!
اس عالم
10:30 PM
Posted by Sana
بارش کی اس بھینی بھینی خوشبو سے
کبھی کسی کی ہنسی سے
کسی کی پیار بھری پکار سے
کسی کے لمس کے اس احساس سے
یوہنی چلتے ہوئے کسی شبیح سے
کبھی غصے کے اس عالم میں
جلتے, پگھلتے
میری یاد تو آتی ہوگی۔
Inspired by Absar Shah's 'Ghalat Fehmi'
I Love you Stranger.
3:27 AM
Posted by Sana
"Can you take my hand and feel what I had for him", she said that and took my old ragged hands in hers. At first I wished I could just rip our hands apart for I couldnt bear the cold and the fragility. "Yes dear, do you want something? Shall I get you some water?", I asked. She just laid there, staring in my eyes, and uttered something that I couldnt understand for a while, may be she was asking me to bring something or she just mumbled some words to break that deafening silence between us.
I cant believe I cant even talk to her anymore, I have been living with her like strangers for months now, she doesnt even remember my name. Of all the things a man could go through in old age, she had to put me through this. I cant even hate her for anything now, she wouldnt even get the extent of my madness and frustration for she thinks her beloved husband has fled away leaving her behind with a stranger. Odd enough she loves everything about this man, comes up with questions every night, sadly the same ones again.
She tightened her grip by my hand as if she lost it for a while, her strength made me skip a beat. By the time I could come back, she pointed at something lying on the side desk. But when I moved to get it for her she stopped me; "Not now dear, not now. Give it to him when I'll leave this room for good", she said. I didnt have the strength to fight her back that night, I didnt have the feel for anything, not even the taste to answer all her questions over and over again. I wished I could sleep that night and wake up with a bad dream, and everything around me seems just the way it was. But dreams and reality are always mistaken. "I better get some sleep. Do you want me to bring you something?", I asked. She just stared for a while as if she was calculating her answer and then brought my hands close to her face like she wanted to tell me something I didnt know before. "Stranger, I love you for every night that you have spared with me. No matter how much I loved my husband, I love you even more. If this is when my life ends and he comes upto you someday just tell him what he once told me; It's easier to fall in Love with a stranger!". Those words destroyed everything that was around me, even Me. She kissed my hand and then left them numb.
The night was restless and insane, I couldnt sleep for a moment and it turned out to be a curse in the morning. She had passed away that night without even giving me a clue, how or when. The day was spent in a hassle and the night alone. How I wished I had spent just a little more time with her but fate had to take her away before I could leave her behind. Pressing my hands against the sheets, I sat there by her corner thinking how different it would have been if she remembered who I was atleast THAT night, just that. Those words took my sight towards where she pointed at that night, towards a letter "Give it to him when I have let the room", her voice echoed from somewhere behind. I knew it was for me and that I had to see, the crumbled pages, the shaky handwritten words, all seemed a part of her. The letter smelt something that was filled with love.
Stranger,
I love you for who you are and whom you were. I have been spending each night with you as if it was my last. You seem to think how I have forgotten you and I know how annoyed you were at times, but to tell you the truth I loved annoying you because then I had a chance to make it up to you.
I remember you talking me out of all that I had gone through the night we met, as strangers. I cant forget how you made it all so easy for me, that I could feel words melting on my tongue that night. It was something within you that held me close.
All I needed now was to feel how you had felt that night, how you had fallen in love with a complete stranger that night and how you loved every day after that. Take it as my one last wish before I die, I wanted to know YOU every night, I wanted to have YOU every night by my side. Not just as a husband but a stranger with whom I had fallen in love each night.
Take this letter as my farewell kiss to you, and remember I could have never forgotten you. Of all the worse that could have happened to you, I would have ended myself way before all this had come true.
I love you stranger.
Yours Only.
I wish I could just rip this piece of paper apart as her words have killed all that fire within. She left me with no words to say at all!
Starbucks.
4:40 PM
Posted by Sana
The sense of snow pouring over my palm elates my soul; as I enjoy the scene of a newly covered snow park. Strange how seasons drastically change everything that is going on within you. The place brings back so much that has passed by, I sit and enjoy every bit of my memory flashing past my eyes. The now frozen stream, the freshly covered bridge; all remind me of the day he asked "Will I be the one who will dare to dream along with him, who will dare to step up with him in ever leap that he takes" and all I had to say was a simple Yes. All the time that I took must have been a dead end battle for him, an uphill castle to conquer. All that faith he put in me, brought me where I'm.
I sit here and wait for seasons to change and bring along all the emotions that I hold within. Let me learn who Im and who he is, for we both have our souls sketched on a single canvas. The chilly winds make me want you more by the day and greater at night. The winds pass by and caress my soul, marking your kisses my way. I know what your up to, for I know you too well. I can read all that compassion in your eyes, as all I can see within is the image of my soul drowned in yours.
You come along and break me off from my journey of the past, hand me over my steaming Starbucks, and all I gaze at; is the shine of that ring circling your finger. Reminds me of the day I finally said. " I Do!"
The Last Kiss.
4:20 AM
Posted by Sana
Wrapped up in myself, burning my soul in these crypted ashes of the past, this place doesnt give me the peace of mind anymore. The rock's too hard, the grass too stiff, the moon too shallow, the air too breathless and the sea below so dead. The life that I lost which was once here by my side took away all that was, with her. The gleam of the star looks fake, a masquerade of her hidden tears from the searchers above. I know you arent any proud of me looking all astray and bewildered living on this land of the Winners, the Conquerors. I on the other hand have lost all my battles, burnt all my ships, the day I lost You. The day I became the reason to loose you. The day I saw you Dead!
Its my plan to meet you today for once or forever. After a hundred nights spent in that smoke, all those tears lost in the weed, I now have the guts to stand and scream my lungs out, scream to the sea below, "Your about to take me in,and I dont want to be rejected the way Im by life, I know Im a disgrace, but all I ask is for a praise to have kept the power to give away by my will". From the time I tried to cry, to the point where all these glands feel like a slab of dead, swollen, stinky meat. I tried, tried really hard to live like a Man but I failed, failed you for like the thousandth time and apparently tonight would be the last.
Standing on these feet I realize that my legs arent shivering anymore. Since the day I held you in these arms all pale and cold, so still and concrete, they lost the sense of Life. The smell of this breeze defines your presence around me, marks your path close to me. I know what you mean and want from me, but my love for you isnt that strong any more that it makes me live for all those years ahead without letting me know where ill be without you. I cant let you distract me for long, I just cant. I have taken the steps and I can see the distance in between, I need your yes in this. You just cant go all denying about it, making me guilty for letting you go, making me guilty for not saving you when I could. What about your fault, the fact that you left me all alone, fact that you didnt even give me the time to hear you for one last time.
The gush of wind that is now blowing beneath me is endlessly trying to make me fly, the efforts are all in vain my dear, You couldnt make me live for long, you just couldnt. Be my beloved and give me that Kiss for one last time before I end it all forever, before I get a chance to see you after so long. Caress me with your Lips, let me taste the pain that it gives one last time. Let it be my precious moment of Life before I die. Give me your One Last Kiss.
Sacred Fragrance
12:28 PM
Posted by Sana
Playing around with her 4 year old son Mujtaba and almost a year old toddler Meherzad, Abeer kept on thinking about how life was when Zain was there by their side. It was hard for her to think he wasn’t there anymore. She could remember the same time of the day but when Zain was around. The kids would run around him like tiny baboons. Meherzad was a Princess in Daddy’s lap while Mujtabba was trustworthy enough to become his upfront warrior and who else had the honor of being the Queen of his throne but Abeer herself. He was the love of her life, her most cherished gem and looking after him was like a sacred ritual for her. He had become that strongest pillar of her life whom she leaned over at any time of the day. Be it when she was not feeling herself or at times when she just wanted someone to love and caress her.
Sometimes she would just run her fingers across his clothes and feel his once present body amongst them. She could pick out his favorite tuxedo and just lie down on the bed with it, sensing him around somewhere. She knew it was his fragrance that spread across the room marking his existence beside her. His strong, bold, charismatic scent that gave her the confidence to be who she was and feel proud about it. His fragrance would take her to those enchanted valleys where separation didn’t exist. Where all she could do was to look at her love and feel him around her, sense him, touch him, taste him, embrace him with her thoughts. For the void feeling of Life and Death didn’t exist in dreams. It was a sacred land for those who believed in union even after death.
Her hours spent staring at the outside world through the window reminded her of their time when he used to count all the stars in the sky for her. Their nights spent in confessing and confiding in each other. Now she could sense his transformation in their kids. His actions can be distinctively seen in them. They were turning out to be complete reflections of his soul. Gateway to his presence in their Lives. She could see him in Mujtaba’s smile and Meherzad’s eyes. Their touch filled her soul with his presence, his luminous heavenly presence amongst them. She could see his words on a note that he left that day before leaving. They say that people get to know when they are about to leave this world, they get this gut feeling that this might be the day when they are kissing their loved one’s for the last time. Most probably Zain knew it himself that day that he wouldn’t make it till dinner that night, so he left her a note.
Dearest,
I will be late tonight, don’t stay up and ruin your sleep just for me. For you have given me a lot for all this time and I couldn’t have asked for anything else. You have been and are the spark of sanity in my Life, my savior from demise. Pray that we keep on loving each other till eternity.
Yours Only,
Zain
Neither did she know that he would give her this note as a token of his love before he left her behind looking for him till infinity. She just stood there in a state of temporary death and wondered how all that could have happened within seconds. She wished she didn’t make that call just to tell him that she loved him, the sound of the collision was as deathly as the thought itself. How couldn’t he see that car coming from the opposite side? She clenched her fists even tight for she recalled the last time she saw his face. Of all the bruises and scars on his face, she saw that he had serenity all over his body. As if he didn’t regret a bit of what just happened because he knew this was coming and he wasn’t afraid of it. He knew he had left behind all his love for her, carefully transmitted in to his kids. She just had to start looking for him in them; for whenever she will look deeper, she will only find a hint of his reflection in their soul.
She felt someone tugging her shirt and to her surprise Mujtaba was standing there holding on to Mr.Bunny all packed for a good night sleep. She collected both of her gems and tucked them inside the bed to have a ‘They lived happily after….’ bedtime story. After all those ups and downs a Man goes through his/her life, there comes a turn where everything turns out to be happily ever after, after all. Life without Zain wouldn’t have been any easier if it weren’t for these two. Days were meant to pass by living and running after them and nights were spent in his dreams for life was now meant to pass on as it did before. The difference remained in his presence which she knew couldn’t be felt physically but had to be sensed by his sacred fragrance all around them.
That Morning's Glory!
8:58 PM
Posted by Sana
It’s hard to believe that I can still taste that tremor within my dreams after all that time had passed by. The freshness of gunpowder and the stinkiness of fresh blood, the deafening sounds of tanks, grenades and bullets flying around wake me up from the hallucinative dream. The graveness of all those groans and moans still make me sick to the core. Its still hard for me to go through that night all over again, but my life is destined to gag me, and I don’t even blame it for doing that. For the day I was posted in the barren lands of Afghanistan
Strange as it may seem, when you’re there at the battlefield, the heat and the adrenaline shows you the wildest mirages of things similar to your life back home. The happiness of the moment when you hold the love of your family sent over to you in the form of a letter remains unexplainable. Thus the misery that haunts you when you lie to them about the situation at the ground and the guilt that prevails becomes unbearable. Living in the digital world sending letters instead of emails doesn’t make any difference. Both cannot define the intensity of a lie and the depth of the pain that it holds. I’ve been lying on this bed immobile for months, unable to do anything on my own. I keep on running my life on the raged roads of my memory. No matter how tight the walls get over me, I know they aren’t for real, for I’ve seen worse that night. I just can’t compare those hours spent beneath all that rubble with the static life here on the bed.
It was the time when he and I were aiming for the opponents group and those clever headed goons aimed the missile directly at our barrack, that was when everything around changed, for the both of us. That is the time when all your plans, trainings and war strategies turn out to be complete failures. Then it’s just you and your Fate, the time when you say ‘What’s meant to happen will happen’. If only I could save him that night. If only I had all the strength to take myself and him out of all that misery. All I could see from the corner of my eye, stuck under the debris, was his half burnt face and lips calling out for someone’s mercy. If only I could reach up to him and touch his agonizing body which was torn into a hundred pieces, I believe that things would have been different today. Looking at him lying there in complete abyss I never realized the intensity of pain my body was bearing for so long. I could hear him calling out each one of his loved one’s names, shouting from the depth of his ruptured lungs of how much he loved them and wanted to be with them right now. My eyes couldn’t even come up with tears because of the numbness of all that pain. The once present tremor in his voice was soon fading away for he knew it was time to fly away.
I never realized if he was even conscious of the fact that I was still there with him. Calling out his name from that darkened, grimy corner, I could sense a state of shock reflected in his voice, which vanished as quickly as it appeared. Hear him laugh tearfully, wrenched my soul from the inside. All I could do was to talk to him, and make these last moments of his life less miserable for him. I just can’t forget those last few lines that he spoke to me before leaving me behind all alone “Don’t just loose your hope for tonight, as I know you will live unto the day to witness the glory of that Morning”. Looking into his frozen eyes, I couldn’t deny what he said. It was hard for me to comprehend for how those excruciating minutes, turned into hours and how I actually made it till the morning. The moment when those first few rays caressed my face, peeking through that hole, I couldn’t believe I have been found. They say the realization about the truth is the hardest of all. Lying there motionless for hours before they took me out, I kept thinking of nothing, nothing at all, as if my mind wasn’t able to get itself out from the sense of shock that it went through the entire night. Being carried away in that stretcher I kept thinking if I would really be able to make it to the Hospital and then lying here in the bed at home I realize that I have a long way to go through after that night. Staring at the floor at which the early morning rays have started their game, I believe in what my mate said to me, I did live up to witness the glory of this Morning, irrespective of what I lost or how much I lost, I thank the Lord for keeping me alive through that night just so I could live up my life to witness the glory that His world holds for me.
You took him Away!
2:16 AM
Posted by Sana
Sitting alone in the exact corner, where once I used to sit and look at you for hours. I still see the same enormity within you. Nothing has changed. You seem to be as deep and as bewildered as you used to be before. Having no sympathy for those who sit there in those dark corners looking at you and beating the feel to drown within. It seems so alluring to them to just keep on walking towards You, deeper and deeper into you.
Sitting here I can still see the rocks lying there half dry and half wet. You never want anyone to be complete dont you, except for yourself. You feel only you have the right to be complete, to be strong, to be powerful. You never give up your strength for anyone dont you. Not even for me. For I have given you my love. As You took him IN without even looking back at Me. Not listening to my crumbled moans, when I sat there for weeks, looking back at you, with eyes filled with tears, anguish, rage and envy. Just pretending sitting in that corner with my eyes fixed right at you, waiting for that moment when you will give me back my Love, but you didnt. You took him away from me Forever. You just loved looking at me all lost and gone astray. You loved looking at me didnt you, you loved to have me there every day and every night, sitting there looking at you when you kissed the soil with an intensity that drove shivers down my body. And as the days passed and the dawn of a new day broke you craved to see me, you longed for me. I became your prey, the one you will do anything for. For all you wanted was to take me within, to be complete. But I wasnt a fool. I came each day just to tell you, you can never be complete, indeed you took my love away but I will never let myself fall for your prey, I come here for my Love and I still will. But I will make you long for your desire as you made me for my Love.
I will never want you to be complete, I will never fall for your strength. I will Never let you WIN.
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