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Where my heart speaks about it's anonymity..
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Serenade to Me!
10:15 PM
Posted by Sana
Your soft hands rolling all over the strums, the beauty of their flow, and the rythum that they blowed. It was just so serene. I was the one you used to sing to, hum to, play to. But that seems ages ago. Your memory is fading away, burnt to dust in those chambers of my land. I can't believe I could ever burn my own ship and see it waver away in the sea. Was it that I was a fool or I knew too much?
Too much of who I'm and not you!
Sacred Fragrance
12:28 PM
Posted by Sana
Playing around with her 4 year old son Mujtaba and almost a year old toddler Meherzad, Abeer kept on thinking about how life was when Zain was there by their side. It was hard for her to think he wasn’t there anymore. She could remember the same time of the day but when Zain was around. The kids would run around him like tiny baboons. Meherzad was a Princess in Daddy’s lap while Mujtabba was trustworthy enough to become his upfront warrior and who else had the honor of being the Queen of his throne but Abeer herself. He was the love of her life, her most cherished gem and looking after him was like a sacred ritual for her. He had become that strongest pillar of her life whom she leaned over at any time of the day. Be it when she was not feeling herself or at times when she just wanted someone to love and caress her.
Sometimes she would just run her fingers across his clothes and feel his once present body amongst them. She could pick out his favorite tuxedo and just lie down on the bed with it, sensing him around somewhere. She knew it was his fragrance that spread across the room marking his existence beside her. His strong, bold, charismatic scent that gave her the confidence to be who she was and feel proud about it. His fragrance would take her to those enchanted valleys where separation didn’t exist. Where all she could do was to look at her love and feel him around her, sense him, touch him, taste him, embrace him with her thoughts. For the void feeling of Life and Death didn’t exist in dreams. It was a sacred land for those who believed in union even after death.
Her hours spent staring at the outside world through the window reminded her of their time when he used to count all the stars in the sky for her. Their nights spent in confessing and confiding in each other. Now she could sense his transformation in their kids. His actions can be distinctively seen in them. They were turning out to be complete reflections of his soul. Gateway to his presence in their Lives. She could see him in Mujtaba’s smile and Meherzad’s eyes. Their touch filled her soul with his presence, his luminous heavenly presence amongst them. She could see his words on a note that he left that day before leaving. They say that people get to know when they are about to leave this world, they get this gut feeling that this might be the day when they are kissing their loved one’s for the last time. Most probably Zain knew it himself that day that he wouldn’t make it till dinner that night, so he left her a note.
Dearest,
I will be late tonight, don’t stay up and ruin your sleep just for me. For you have given me a lot for all this time and I couldn’t have asked for anything else. You have been and are the spark of sanity in my Life, my savior from demise. Pray that we keep on loving each other till eternity.
Yours Only,
Zain
Neither did she know that he would give her this note as a token of his love before he left her behind looking for him till infinity. She just stood there in a state of temporary death and wondered how all that could have happened within seconds. She wished she didn’t make that call just to tell him that she loved him, the sound of the collision was as deathly as the thought itself. How couldn’t he see that car coming from the opposite side? She clenched her fists even tight for she recalled the last time she saw his face. Of all the bruises and scars on his face, she saw that he had serenity all over his body. As if he didn’t regret a bit of what just happened because he knew this was coming and he wasn’t afraid of it. He knew he had left behind all his love for her, carefully transmitted in to his kids. She just had to start looking for him in them; for whenever she will look deeper, she will only find a hint of his reflection in their soul.
She felt someone tugging her shirt and to her surprise Mujtaba was standing there holding on to Mr.Bunny all packed for a good night sleep. She collected both of her gems and tucked them inside the bed to have a ‘They lived happily after….’ bedtime story. After all those ups and downs a Man goes through his/her life, there comes a turn where everything turns out to be happily ever after, after all. Life without Zain wouldn’t have been any easier if it weren’t for these two. Days were meant to pass by living and running after them and nights were spent in his dreams for life was now meant to pass on as it did before. The difference remained in his presence which she knew couldn’t be felt physically but had to be sensed by his sacred fragrance all around them.
Dear Me
12:58 AM
Posted by Sana
Dear Me,
Its about time that I actually came up and conversed with you. I feel sick of coming over to you in that darkest corner. It's time we confront each other in the hard, unsympathetic day light. I need to see all that scars you have imposed on me all this time; for I want to see how deep they have seeped and how bad do I look with all those bruises on my self. I want to see myself in that bright day light, that I have longed to see for so long. I need the courage to live in the reality, for your fantasies have given me nothing more then those sickening feeling of being left out, out of place and more like a frantic 'out of order' machine, who knows nothing about what the hell it has to do with that dime.
Dear Me, I apologize for not listening to you that often, but you need to learn to get on along without me, for it's getting hard for me to balance the two extremes of my life. Your pressure is driving me nuts, and it isnt far away that Ill end up being an insomniac, anorexic, diseased, omnipotent piece of sludge.
Ill keep on writing to you from time to time for I know no matter how far off I try and run away from you, I don't have to run back to come back to you. I can just stop and look into myself to find you there in the deepest darkest corner, where you'l always be.
With great love,
Myself.
That Morning's Glory!
8:58 PM
Posted by Sana
It’s hard to believe that I can still taste that tremor within my dreams after all that time had passed by. The freshness of gunpowder and the stinkiness of fresh blood, the deafening sounds of tanks, grenades and bullets flying around wake me up from the hallucinative dream. The graveness of all those groans and moans still make me sick to the core. Its still hard for me to go through that night all over again, but my life is destined to gag me, and I don’t even blame it for doing that. For the day I was posted in the barren lands of Afghanistan
Strange as it may seem, when you’re there at the battlefield, the heat and the adrenaline shows you the wildest mirages of things similar to your life back home. The happiness of the moment when you hold the love of your family sent over to you in the form of a letter remains unexplainable. Thus the misery that haunts you when you lie to them about the situation at the ground and the guilt that prevails becomes unbearable. Living in the digital world sending letters instead of emails doesn’t make any difference. Both cannot define the intensity of a lie and the depth of the pain that it holds. I’ve been lying on this bed immobile for months, unable to do anything on my own. I keep on running my life on the raged roads of my memory. No matter how tight the walls get over me, I know they aren’t for real, for I’ve seen worse that night. I just can’t compare those hours spent beneath all that rubble with the static life here on the bed.
It was the time when he and I were aiming for the opponents group and those clever headed goons aimed the missile directly at our barrack, that was when everything around changed, for the both of us. That is the time when all your plans, trainings and war strategies turn out to be complete failures. Then it’s just you and your Fate, the time when you say ‘What’s meant to happen will happen’. If only I could save him that night. If only I had all the strength to take myself and him out of all that misery. All I could see from the corner of my eye, stuck under the debris, was his half burnt face and lips calling out for someone’s mercy. If only I could reach up to him and touch his agonizing body which was torn into a hundred pieces, I believe that things would have been different today. Looking at him lying there in complete abyss I never realized the intensity of pain my body was bearing for so long. I could hear him calling out each one of his loved one’s names, shouting from the depth of his ruptured lungs of how much he loved them and wanted to be with them right now. My eyes couldn’t even come up with tears because of the numbness of all that pain. The once present tremor in his voice was soon fading away for he knew it was time to fly away.
I never realized if he was even conscious of the fact that I was still there with him. Calling out his name from that darkened, grimy corner, I could sense a state of shock reflected in his voice, which vanished as quickly as it appeared. Hear him laugh tearfully, wrenched my soul from the inside. All I could do was to talk to him, and make these last moments of his life less miserable for him. I just can’t forget those last few lines that he spoke to me before leaving me behind all alone “Don’t just loose your hope for tonight, as I know you will live unto the day to witness the glory of that Morning”. Looking into his frozen eyes, I couldn’t deny what he said. It was hard for me to comprehend for how those excruciating minutes, turned into hours and how I actually made it till the morning. The moment when those first few rays caressed my face, peeking through that hole, I couldn’t believe I have been found. They say the realization about the truth is the hardest of all. Lying there motionless for hours before they took me out, I kept thinking of nothing, nothing at all, as if my mind wasn’t able to get itself out from the sense of shock that it went through the entire night. Being carried away in that stretcher I kept thinking if I would really be able to make it to the Hospital and then lying here in the bed at home I realize that I have a long way to go through after that night. Staring at the floor at which the early morning rays have started their game, I believe in what my mate said to me, I did live up to witness the glory of this Morning, irrespective of what I lost or how much I lost, I thank the Lord for keeping me alive through that night just so I could live up my life to witness the glory that His world holds for me.
'Words'
8:44 PM
Posted by Sana
This stranded corner of a highway looks so surreal and serene, no wonder loneliness has seeped inside of me for an unimaginably long period of time. This solitude has given me the strength to know what I actually was and going to be. Those long walks in my pre-occupied thoughts gave me the power to run away from the world whenever and wherever I wished for.
The moments in time when you actually look back at something, gives you the moment of something that had past by, no matter how vivid the hallucination seems to be, you can never find yourself standing in there forever. After all what this world gives you, you have to come back to it again, either crashed or burnt or like a HULK of your own kind.
I love my solitude for it has given me what Im now. It has given me the power to think, to imagine, to relate, to concentrate, to agree and to differ, to sow and to reap. It has molded me into something that I never was years ago. When I play back those days I see myself as a vulnerable soul, not sure of what could it do or bear. Getting slacked at different stages of my life and making decisions either right or wrong of my own, I learnt stuff the hard way, but I did. In the end, that's all what matters.
I can never let anyone inside those deepest darkest corners of my life, because the darkness inside a being can never be explained or transferred unto someone else (that just seems too weird), this is how an individual differs from another. This is how we bear the tag of being 'Unique'. It isnt how we portray our thoughts in the form of words, it is how we transform and mold our deepest darkest imaginations into tangible things like 'Words'.
Reflex those muscles inside and see what you can shape and create after a session or two.
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