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Where my heart speaks about it's anonymity..
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1:02 AM
Posted by Sana
Walking on the sea,
Seems just a dream.
Let me float, let me fly.
Burn my wings, let me Die!
My Ego once told Me.
11:04 PM
Posted by Sana
I have crossed the phase when every step that I took felt as if your shadow is just behind. Stalking and Embracing my Dust.
Let go of my mind and ill make sure that it flies off to a state of numbness. A state where neither do I gain, nor shall I loose.
Its time when either of us really let it Go.
P.S: A silent conversation with my Ego.
اس عالم
10:30 PM
Posted by Sana
بارش کی اس بھینی بھینی خوشبو سے
کبھی کسی کی ہنسی سے
کسی کی پیار بھری پکار سے
کسی کے لمس کے اس احساس سے
یوہنی چلتے ہوئے کسی شبیح سے
کبھی غصے کے اس عالم میں
جلتے, پگھلتے
میری یاد تو آتی ہوگی۔
Inspired by Absar Shah's 'Ghalat Fehmi'
I Love you Stranger.
3:27 AM
Posted by Sana
"Can you take my hand and feel what I had for him", she said that and took my old ragged hands in hers. At first I wished I could just rip our hands apart for I couldnt bear the cold and the fragility. "Yes dear, do you want something? Shall I get you some water?", I asked. She just laid there, staring in my eyes, and uttered something that I couldnt understand for a while, may be she was asking me to bring something or she just mumbled some words to break that deafening silence between us.
I cant believe I cant even talk to her anymore, I have been living with her like strangers for months now, she doesnt even remember my name. Of all the things a man could go through in old age, she had to put me through this. I cant even hate her for anything now, she wouldnt even get the extent of my madness and frustration for she thinks her beloved husband has fled away leaving her behind with a stranger. Odd enough she loves everything about this man, comes up with questions every night, sadly the same ones again.
She tightened her grip by my hand as if she lost it for a while, her strength made me skip a beat. By the time I could come back, she pointed at something lying on the side desk. But when I moved to get it for her she stopped me; "Not now dear, not now. Give it to him when I'll leave this room for good", she said. I didnt have the strength to fight her back that night, I didnt have the feel for anything, not even the taste to answer all her questions over and over again. I wished I could sleep that night and wake up with a bad dream, and everything around me seems just the way it was. But dreams and reality are always mistaken. "I better get some sleep. Do you want me to bring you something?", I asked. She just stared for a while as if she was calculating her answer and then brought my hands close to her face like she wanted to tell me something I didnt know before. "Stranger, I love you for every night that you have spared with me. No matter how much I loved my husband, I love you even more. If this is when my life ends and he comes upto you someday just tell him what he once told me; It's easier to fall in Love with a stranger!". Those words destroyed everything that was around me, even Me. She kissed my hand and then left them numb.
The night was restless and insane, I couldnt sleep for a moment and it turned out to be a curse in the morning. She had passed away that night without even giving me a clue, how or when. The day was spent in a hassle and the night alone. How I wished I had spent just a little more time with her but fate had to take her away before I could leave her behind. Pressing my hands against the sheets, I sat there by her corner thinking how different it would have been if she remembered who I was atleast THAT night, just that. Those words took my sight towards where she pointed at that night, towards a letter "Give it to him when I have let the room", her voice echoed from somewhere behind. I knew it was for me and that I had to see, the crumbled pages, the shaky handwritten words, all seemed a part of her. The letter smelt something that was filled with love.
Stranger,
I love you for who you are and whom you were. I have been spending each night with you as if it was my last. You seem to think how I have forgotten you and I know how annoyed you were at times, but to tell you the truth I loved annoying you because then I had a chance to make it up to you.
I remember you talking me out of all that I had gone through the night we met, as strangers. I cant forget how you made it all so easy for me, that I could feel words melting on my tongue that night. It was something within you that held me close.
All I needed now was to feel how you had felt that night, how you had fallen in love with a complete stranger that night and how you loved every day after that. Take it as my one last wish before I die, I wanted to know YOU every night, I wanted to have YOU every night by my side. Not just as a husband but a stranger with whom I had fallen in love each night.
Take this letter as my farewell kiss to you, and remember I could have never forgotten you. Of all the worse that could have happened to you, I would have ended myself way before all this had come true.
I love you stranger.
Yours Only.
I wish I could just rip this piece of paper apart as her words have killed all that fire within. She left me with no words to say at all!
Starbucks.
4:40 PM
Posted by Sana
The sense of snow pouring over my palm elates my soul; as I enjoy the scene of a newly covered snow park. Strange how seasons drastically change everything that is going on within you. The place brings back so much that has passed by, I sit and enjoy every bit of my memory flashing past my eyes. The now frozen stream, the freshly covered bridge; all remind me of the day he asked "Will I be the one who will dare to dream along with him, who will dare to step up with him in ever leap that he takes" and all I had to say was a simple Yes. All the time that I took must have been a dead end battle for him, an uphill castle to conquer. All that faith he put in me, brought me where I'm.
I sit here and wait for seasons to change and bring along all the emotions that I hold within. Let me learn who Im and who he is, for we both have our souls sketched on a single canvas. The chilly winds make me want you more by the day and greater at night. The winds pass by and caress my soul, marking your kisses my way. I know what your up to, for I know you too well. I can read all that compassion in your eyes, as all I can see within is the image of my soul drowned in yours.
You come along and break me off from my journey of the past, hand me over my steaming Starbucks, and all I gaze at; is the shine of that ring circling your finger. Reminds me of the day I finally said. " I Do!"
Im NOT an Exception!
11:50 PM
Posted by Sana
What is that feeling when you're standing in a crowd and cant recognize yourself? The feeling when you feel your presence is only superficial. The feeling when you dont know when to laugh or to cry and you keep on waiting for a cue. The feeling when you're standing searching for that ONE or may be the only stare towards you. The feeling when you realize if its even the place you're meant to be at. The feeling when you just wish it badly rains and you cry your heart out with a relief that nobody would notice. The feeling of a void presence, the essence of a silent scream. The feeling when you want to end a burdened conversation. The feeling when nobody notices your plain emotions under the masquerade of your skillful smile. Tell me the feelings of emptiness, tell me that it doesnt exist, that its just my illusion, that all those nights I spent with my eyes staring those walls were just acts of madness, tell me no living being can be empty. Just tell me Im NOT an Exception!
Is it all because of you?
2:56 AM
Posted by Sana
Is it you whom Im looking for all this time? For all I see in a Man ahead are trails of your essence left behind. The space between me and him can never be the same as it was before. I can never be the same, can never feel as I felt before. These emotions have really ripped myself from within, left me wander astray and look amidst life as if love didnt ever exist!
Why do I always have to look for you within everyone I meet. Why is it always you who is at the back of my mind whenever I want to take a step ahead, why do my feet feel all numb when I want them to be there for me. You have left me all useless, hopeless and pathetic. I have been trying hard, harder then ever before to get myself out of all of these childish desires. I lost you and I lost myself a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold on to, a smile to look upto. I cant fill my eyes with those tears again, cant fill that face with that smile again. I cant fill my heart with that love again.
I just cant wish upon a star anymore, I just can pray for a heart anymore, I just cant ask for Love anymore. I dont deserve self anymore. I dont deserve Me anymore.
All I fear now is of dying alone!
The Last Kiss.
4:20 AM
Posted by Sana
Wrapped up in myself, burning my soul in these crypted ashes of the past, this place doesnt give me the peace of mind anymore. The rock's too hard, the grass too stiff, the moon too shallow, the air too breathless and the sea below so dead. The life that I lost which was once here by my side took away all that was, with her. The gleam of the star looks fake, a masquerade of her hidden tears from the searchers above. I know you arent any proud of me looking all astray and bewildered living on this land of the Winners, the Conquerors. I on the other hand have lost all my battles, burnt all my ships, the day I lost You. The day I became the reason to loose you. The day I saw you Dead!
Its my plan to meet you today for once or forever. After a hundred nights spent in that smoke, all those tears lost in the weed, I now have the guts to stand and scream my lungs out, scream to the sea below, "Your about to take me in,and I dont want to be rejected the way Im by life, I know Im a disgrace, but all I ask is for a praise to have kept the power to give away by my will". From the time I tried to cry, to the point where all these glands feel like a slab of dead, swollen, stinky meat. I tried, tried really hard to live like a Man but I failed, failed you for like the thousandth time and apparently tonight would be the last.
Standing on these feet I realize that my legs arent shivering anymore. Since the day I held you in these arms all pale and cold, so still and concrete, they lost the sense of Life. The smell of this breeze defines your presence around me, marks your path close to me. I know what you mean and want from me, but my love for you isnt that strong any more that it makes me live for all those years ahead without letting me know where ill be without you. I cant let you distract me for long, I just cant. I have taken the steps and I can see the distance in between, I need your yes in this. You just cant go all denying about it, making me guilty for letting you go, making me guilty for not saving you when I could. What about your fault, the fact that you left me all alone, fact that you didnt even give me the time to hear you for one last time.
The gush of wind that is now blowing beneath me is endlessly trying to make me fly, the efforts are all in vain my dear, You couldnt make me live for long, you just couldnt. Be my beloved and give me that Kiss for one last time before I end it all forever, before I get a chance to see you after so long. Caress me with your Lips, let me taste the pain that it gives one last time. Let it be my precious moment of Life before I die. Give me your One Last Kiss.
Serenade to Me!
10:15 PM
Posted by Sana
Your soft hands rolling all over the strums, the beauty of their flow, and the rythum that they blowed. It was just so serene. I was the one you used to sing to, hum to, play to. But that seems ages ago. Your memory is fading away, burnt to dust in those chambers of my land. I can't believe I could ever burn my own ship and see it waver away in the sea. Was it that I was a fool or I knew too much?
Too much of who I'm and not you!
Sacred Fragrance
12:28 PM
Posted by Sana
Playing around with her 4 year old son Mujtaba and almost a year old toddler Meherzad, Abeer kept on thinking about how life was when Zain was there by their side. It was hard for her to think he wasn’t there anymore. She could remember the same time of the day but when Zain was around. The kids would run around him like tiny baboons. Meherzad was a Princess in Daddy’s lap while Mujtabba was trustworthy enough to become his upfront warrior and who else had the honor of being the Queen of his throne but Abeer herself. He was the love of her life, her most cherished gem and looking after him was like a sacred ritual for her. He had become that strongest pillar of her life whom she leaned over at any time of the day. Be it when she was not feeling herself or at times when she just wanted someone to love and caress her.
Sometimes she would just run her fingers across his clothes and feel his once present body amongst them. She could pick out his favorite tuxedo and just lie down on the bed with it, sensing him around somewhere. She knew it was his fragrance that spread across the room marking his existence beside her. His strong, bold, charismatic scent that gave her the confidence to be who she was and feel proud about it. His fragrance would take her to those enchanted valleys where separation didn’t exist. Where all she could do was to look at her love and feel him around her, sense him, touch him, taste him, embrace him with her thoughts. For the void feeling of Life and Death didn’t exist in dreams. It was a sacred land for those who believed in union even after death.
Her hours spent staring at the outside world through the window reminded her of their time when he used to count all the stars in the sky for her. Their nights spent in confessing and confiding in each other. Now she could sense his transformation in their kids. His actions can be distinctively seen in them. They were turning out to be complete reflections of his soul. Gateway to his presence in their Lives. She could see him in Mujtaba’s smile and Meherzad’s eyes. Their touch filled her soul with his presence, his luminous heavenly presence amongst them. She could see his words on a note that he left that day before leaving. They say that people get to know when they are about to leave this world, they get this gut feeling that this might be the day when they are kissing their loved one’s for the last time. Most probably Zain knew it himself that day that he wouldn’t make it till dinner that night, so he left her a note.
Dearest,
I will be late tonight, don’t stay up and ruin your sleep just for me. For you have given me a lot for all this time and I couldn’t have asked for anything else. You have been and are the spark of sanity in my Life, my savior from demise. Pray that we keep on loving each other till eternity.
Yours Only,
Zain
Neither did she know that he would give her this note as a token of his love before he left her behind looking for him till infinity. She just stood there in a state of temporary death and wondered how all that could have happened within seconds. She wished she didn’t make that call just to tell him that she loved him, the sound of the collision was as deathly as the thought itself. How couldn’t he see that car coming from the opposite side? She clenched her fists even tight for she recalled the last time she saw his face. Of all the bruises and scars on his face, she saw that he had serenity all over his body. As if he didn’t regret a bit of what just happened because he knew this was coming and he wasn’t afraid of it. He knew he had left behind all his love for her, carefully transmitted in to his kids. She just had to start looking for him in them; for whenever she will look deeper, she will only find a hint of his reflection in their soul.
She felt someone tugging her shirt and to her surprise Mujtaba was standing there holding on to Mr.Bunny all packed for a good night sleep. She collected both of her gems and tucked them inside the bed to have a ‘They lived happily after….’ bedtime story. After all those ups and downs a Man goes through his/her life, there comes a turn where everything turns out to be happily ever after, after all. Life without Zain wouldn’t have been any easier if it weren’t for these two. Days were meant to pass by living and running after them and nights were spent in his dreams for life was now meant to pass on as it did before. The difference remained in his presence which she knew couldn’t be felt physically but had to be sensed by his sacred fragrance all around them.
Dear Me
12:58 AM
Posted by Sana
Dear Me,
Its about time that I actually came up and conversed with you. I feel sick of coming over to you in that darkest corner. It's time we confront each other in the hard, unsympathetic day light. I need to see all that scars you have imposed on me all this time; for I want to see how deep they have seeped and how bad do I look with all those bruises on my self. I want to see myself in that bright day light, that I have longed to see for so long. I need the courage to live in the reality, for your fantasies have given me nothing more then those sickening feeling of being left out, out of place and more like a frantic 'out of order' machine, who knows nothing about what the hell it has to do with that dime.
Dear Me, I apologize for not listening to you that often, but you need to learn to get on along without me, for it's getting hard for me to balance the two extremes of my life. Your pressure is driving me nuts, and it isnt far away that Ill end up being an insomniac, anorexic, diseased, omnipotent piece of sludge.
Ill keep on writing to you from time to time for I know no matter how far off I try and run away from you, I don't have to run back to come back to you. I can just stop and look into myself to find you there in the deepest darkest corner, where you'l always be.
With great love,
Myself.
That Morning's Glory!
8:58 PM
Posted by Sana
It’s hard to believe that I can still taste that tremor within my dreams after all that time had passed by. The freshness of gunpowder and the stinkiness of fresh blood, the deafening sounds of tanks, grenades and bullets flying around wake me up from the hallucinative dream. The graveness of all those groans and moans still make me sick to the core. Its still hard for me to go through that night all over again, but my life is destined to gag me, and I don’t even blame it for doing that. For the day I was posted in the barren lands of Afghanistan
Strange as it may seem, when you’re there at the battlefield, the heat and the adrenaline shows you the wildest mirages of things similar to your life back home. The happiness of the moment when you hold the love of your family sent over to you in the form of a letter remains unexplainable. Thus the misery that haunts you when you lie to them about the situation at the ground and the guilt that prevails becomes unbearable. Living in the digital world sending letters instead of emails doesn’t make any difference. Both cannot define the intensity of a lie and the depth of the pain that it holds. I’ve been lying on this bed immobile for months, unable to do anything on my own. I keep on running my life on the raged roads of my memory. No matter how tight the walls get over me, I know they aren’t for real, for I’ve seen worse that night. I just can’t compare those hours spent beneath all that rubble with the static life here on the bed.
It was the time when he and I were aiming for the opponents group and those clever headed goons aimed the missile directly at our barrack, that was when everything around changed, for the both of us. That is the time when all your plans, trainings and war strategies turn out to be complete failures. Then it’s just you and your Fate, the time when you say ‘What’s meant to happen will happen’. If only I could save him that night. If only I had all the strength to take myself and him out of all that misery. All I could see from the corner of my eye, stuck under the debris, was his half burnt face and lips calling out for someone’s mercy. If only I could reach up to him and touch his agonizing body which was torn into a hundred pieces, I believe that things would have been different today. Looking at him lying there in complete abyss I never realized the intensity of pain my body was bearing for so long. I could hear him calling out each one of his loved one’s names, shouting from the depth of his ruptured lungs of how much he loved them and wanted to be with them right now. My eyes couldn’t even come up with tears because of the numbness of all that pain. The once present tremor in his voice was soon fading away for he knew it was time to fly away.
I never realized if he was even conscious of the fact that I was still there with him. Calling out his name from that darkened, grimy corner, I could sense a state of shock reflected in his voice, which vanished as quickly as it appeared. Hear him laugh tearfully, wrenched my soul from the inside. All I could do was to talk to him, and make these last moments of his life less miserable for him. I just can’t forget those last few lines that he spoke to me before leaving me behind all alone “Don’t just loose your hope for tonight, as I know you will live unto the day to witness the glory of that Morning”. Looking into his frozen eyes, I couldn’t deny what he said. It was hard for me to comprehend for how those excruciating minutes, turned into hours and how I actually made it till the morning. The moment when those first few rays caressed my face, peeking through that hole, I couldn’t believe I have been found. They say the realization about the truth is the hardest of all. Lying there motionless for hours before they took me out, I kept thinking of nothing, nothing at all, as if my mind wasn’t able to get itself out from the sense of shock that it went through the entire night. Being carried away in that stretcher I kept thinking if I would really be able to make it to the Hospital and then lying here in the bed at home I realize that I have a long way to go through after that night. Staring at the floor at which the early morning rays have started their game, I believe in what my mate said to me, I did live up to witness the glory of this Morning, irrespective of what I lost or how much I lost, I thank the Lord for keeping me alive through that night just so I could live up my life to witness the glory that His world holds for me.
'Words'
8:44 PM
Posted by Sana
This stranded corner of a highway looks so surreal and serene, no wonder loneliness has seeped inside of me for an unimaginably long period of time. This solitude has given me the strength to know what I actually was and going to be. Those long walks in my pre-occupied thoughts gave me the power to run away from the world whenever and wherever I wished for.
The moments in time when you actually look back at something, gives you the moment of something that had past by, no matter how vivid the hallucination seems to be, you can never find yourself standing in there forever. After all what this world gives you, you have to come back to it again, either crashed or burnt or like a HULK of your own kind.
I love my solitude for it has given me what Im now. It has given me the power to think, to imagine, to relate, to concentrate, to agree and to differ, to sow and to reap. It has molded me into something that I never was years ago. When I play back those days I see myself as a vulnerable soul, not sure of what could it do or bear. Getting slacked at different stages of my life and making decisions either right or wrong of my own, I learnt stuff the hard way, but I did. In the end, that's all what matters.
I can never let anyone inside those deepest darkest corners of my life, because the darkness inside a being can never be explained or transferred unto someone else (that just seems too weird), this is how an individual differs from another. This is how we bear the tag of being 'Unique'. It isnt how we portray our thoughts in the form of words, it is how we transform and mold our deepest darkest imaginations into tangible things like 'Words'.
Reflex those muscles inside and see what you can shape and create after a session or two.
Its time to Leave that hand.
9:35 PM
Posted by Sana
Let me be how I wish to be,
Holding on to that last strand,
Isn't easy for me,
Nor as easy for you.
Let me be how I wish to be,
For I want you to be,
As You wish to be,
It's time now to leave your hand, for I have been holding on to you for far too long now, you have held me whenever I needed that hand, whenever I needed that strength to keep on going with this world. The world isnt a Board Game for me now, but I have learnt my lessons the hard way. Taking decisions aren't any easier, but sticking on to them has become my strength.
Im just the same old me, not being able to say exactly what I want. Locking up things that bother me, deep inside. You had the key, the access to whatever was in there, but my strength became my weakness and I began to loose the battle of my Dignity. Time flies by, so does everyone else along with it.
I wish to leave that hand now, for I have surely piled up everything inside me to the extent that I cannot explain the intensity of the pain inside. I have failed myself yet again, but I dont regret doing that, because Im proud of the fact that I served my long dead Ego. I served everyone else accept myself, I can NEVER satisfy myself my dear, NEVER!
Holding on to your hand for far too long now,
I just wish I never did,
For down below I see the ragged rocks,
And the sight of you above makes me shiver,
Death isnt easy,
Let me just die the easy way,
By just stabbing the self inside.
Let me just DIE the easy way.......
They Say..
12:12 AM
Posted by Sana
It gets hard to digest when you realize you have more Foes at your back, then Friends ahead.
And when Life tightens it's grip around your neck, 'Playing Dead' isn't the Best Option.
My Life & Reality bites HARD!
First Day Already?
1:23 AM
Posted by Sana
*rubs eyes*
*stares at screen*
*rubs eyes again*
*starts typing*
So 20th September it was, my FIRST Day at a University in Pakistan. Living back in Qatar I dreamt about getting into a Pakistani University (but foreign it was for me back then). I loved the thought of getting ragged (slightly tremored though), making friends (Pakistani Nationals :P) and the feeling of everything being DESI. No tension of punishing your mouth with English for the Entire session. Not bored about the fact that you would be the ONLY one to raise your hand in a herd full of Dumb *coughs* Blondes in Hijab :P
The First day ran past by in an attempt to catch every possible Lecture that we could. The result, we managed to attend just ONE lecture out of the Entire 6 :P. But then gain better hopes for tomorrow InshAllah ;) Ok so the First Question asked after the First Day is 'Did you guys get Ragged?' then my answer *shamefully* Nahe, we didnt get ragged. Reason, nobody took us as freshers, or MORE like confused, baffled, I'llBeRagged kind of Freshers ;) A few of our Batch mates were ragged because they ran around even at the sight of a group of boys somewhere around the staircase. Gosh, that was effing Hilarious :P. They made them sing Nursery Rhymes. Alarms from the Seniors saved majority of us from the money snatching act, because we didnt bring any.
So a new Day has already begun, just my ritual to pack my stuff and head to bed is left.
Ill be dropping by from time to time, not sure when and where and how.
Keep on looking for me.
I say I'm a Failure
2:52 AM
Posted by Sana
Fixed on my favorite spot.
Time: 5:05am
Condition: Thoughtful
Sinking on this half lit sofa in my Lounge I just keep staring on this blank page infront of me for moments before I realize whats meant to be scribbled on it. Listening to the Call to Prayer in complete abyss, where the birds are the only beings busy in their Praises for the Lord Almighty. I recollect myself, my thoughts, memories, visions, inspirations, and all that has been a part of my life, a part of me for years now and words crawl out from my mouth "M I a complete Failure?". Knowing there isnt anyone here to break this moment of sheer re-connection then myself. I can see the shadow of my hand following the path of my palm which is busy pinning down the thoughts onto the paper.The shadow of reality is the shadow of truth, atleast thats how I try and console myself. Saying "M I a Complete Failure" doesnt really make me one, does it? If I'm a failure at something I soon realize the 2 basic rules about it, either:
- You're not meant for it.
- You're just not putting the right portion of yourself in it.
The value of Hope, Fate and Faith would have been brought to ground Zero by then. As much as the shadow of reality keeps a track of you, it comes running behind you. The transformation lets you know your input and the extra effort needed, till the point where you cant see it, neither ahead nor behind. The point when you conquer your shadow is the point of Supreme Success. Though a shadow running ahead of you is the one that isnt meant for you when you start getting Mirages amidst your sufferings. Running after such a shadow is a complete waste of time. Just like Success comes from within, So does Failure. If we Own our Success we should be able to Own our Failures as well. But if that what comes from inside, isnt Sane enough, then you must be a Complete Failure.
I guess this is Eid then?
7:38 AM
Posted by Sana
كل ام و انتم بخير-عید مبارک
Another year and another Eid MashAllah, glad Allah has spared me with another year, after what has been said and done.Period
Eid is always special for everyone, kids, teens, post-teens, elderly just for Everyone. You can just imagine time flying by, comparing the changes happening over Eid each year. Trust Me that's the easiest way to determine when you Finally went from childhood to adulthood to being Aunty/Uncle :P. Life really plays around with you all the time, I remember my previous Eids spent back in Qatar and this year here in Karachi, everything seems to have changed (myself being the Biggest Factor).
Life changes and so does it effect the people around you, and for me it has effected just a few who mattered to me. This year has been full of changes, and adapting to a life full of changes isnt that easy, you fall, you stand, you fall again, and you try and scrape off the dust and stand again. But what we really have to realize is, no matter how many hardships we have been and are going through, there still WILL be someone in a far more worse situation than you. Try and appreciate your life a little bit more. What has been said and done in the past, cannot be forgiven or forgotten, but what's going on in the Present cannot be neglected or condoned. What things are Now, is the Reality. Either you keep it or you die, there isn't any other option left with you. Yes, the options you have are either you carry on with your Life sulking on your Past, cursing every past minute or You just get over the Past and get going with the Present. Whats there in the past is all piled up in files in your memory, going on along with your life is certainly NOT cheating with your Past, its just how they say 'Your Living your Life'.
Cheer up there is much more to life then just spending your Days and Nights thinking what could have been what, and what could have been better.
Eid is Up fellas, EID MUBARAK to All once again.
Stay Blessed and Cherish yourself :)
A Trip to the GraveYard
3:18 AM
Posted by Sana
Yes the title may seem annoying to a few, outrageous to a little and sarcastic to a hell lot of people. And Im going to stick with the latter. I know how visiting Graveyards is thought to be something very religious and very precise and it should be done properly, but heck NO these days it has been made a nuisance for the One's who wish to visit their dear one's and who are their solely for the Purpose of Fateha. But the moment you enter the Graveyard and offer your Salam, you are surrounded by all those bucket kids, yes the ones who run around the Graves and to be more precise pointing out the graves of your dear one's to you. Infact their GOOGLE MAP is far more intact then your Dearest GPRS, your the one who can rethink of the graves but aan aan they will MAKE sure you reach the right Grave at the right time. May be because they eat, sleep, play and die at the exact place. Then comes the time of the deal when they want You to pick Them out of the dozens of children to be responsible for cleaning up the grave (getting the dirt and stuff away from beside the Grave). No matter how much time and delay you take near your dearest's Grave They have all the time up for you, be it a funeral arriving at the moment or something more crucial They cannot in any circumstances spare you.
The moment you bade your farewell and get yourself and just yourself up for the departure you are first encountered from the kids for their wages and that has to be 200% more than what they actually deserve, a penny less would be considered a Sin and there will be a Siren sounded all over the Graveyard, the ones that can be heard at the time of an Impostor Alert, and an order for your Grave will be dispatched that instance, either you pay or you DIE that instance. That same moment you will be seen surrounded not only by the kids who did your work but also the ones who DIDNT do it, followed by the Amman Buddhan (dear old Lady) who calls herself as the Prosecutor and Demands that 5kg Aata and 2kg Sugar should be given away to everyone as a compensation. The moment of shear re-connection becomes an hour of Epic Drama of kids pulling your dupatta and qameez, following you to your car, wailing, whining, laughing, shouting, calling you names etcetera.
You ask them why is this stuff like this, they answer "Sahab koe paisa nahe dy kr gaya, is lyeh nahe kiya", you'l say "but your the one who is responsible for the cleaning of this area" and they will be reply you back with a blank stare (the one that makes you want to slap them real hard). They don't really have the potential knowledge about Not to Walk on the Graves, but spending 24/7 inside, this notion is lost somewhere in the Air. It's us who have to think twice before we manage to reach the Graves and I for sure decide to stand just outside, because in No Way do I want to step on to anyone being Living or Dead. But because at times due to the remoteness of the Grave they had to take that step and the habit of taking such steps is overpowered by the fact of not doing so. The thing that isn't really digesting inside me is that Why does it always have to be MONEY everywhere? Now what I see is my Mom keeping aside change in a pouch and waits for the time when it is heavier than a 5kg weight and then she plans her next visit to the Graveyard. Aren't Graveyards considered to be the resting place for the deceased, and Fateha is considered to be the One deed with which we can repay them. Why is that meeting with your dead Mother or Father made so hard that you first have to think about having the right amount of money before you plan your next visit? I don't want to go on playing the blame game. Along with many others, this is also a factor in the Country that is left un-attended. The kids are too poor to be scolded, infact while your Inside the Graveyard you dont feel like taking a word out of your mouth and once your Out, you just feel like beating the S*** out of them, but still following the ethics of the society and proving yourself Human enough you try and conquer the battle by Winning a Match of blank/hostile Stare.
Lailat-ul-Qadr
2:45 AM
Posted by Sana
As the Akhri Ashara has finally arrived, and yes Im LATE yet again, I'm here just to drop by a quick note, as per Ramadan last year I had posted a few Ebadah's specifically done on the Taaq raats, so if anyone wishes to have a read, follow the link HERE.
Prayers for Everyone :)
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