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Where my heart speaks about it's anonymity..
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Its time to Leave that hand.
9:35 PM
Posted by Sana
Let me be how I wish to be,
Holding on to that last strand,
Isn't easy for me,
Nor as easy for you.
Let me be how I wish to be,
For I want you to be,
As You wish to be,
It's time now to leave your hand, for I have been holding on to you for far too long now, you have held me whenever I needed that hand, whenever I needed that strength to keep on going with this world. The world isnt a Board Game for me now, but I have learnt my lessons the hard way. Taking decisions aren't any easier, but sticking on to them has become my strength.
Im just the same old me, not being able to say exactly what I want. Locking up things that bother me, deep inside. You had the key, the access to whatever was in there, but my strength became my weakness and I began to loose the battle of my Dignity. Time flies by, so does everyone else along with it.
I wish to leave that hand now, for I have surely piled up everything inside me to the extent that I cannot explain the intensity of the pain inside. I have failed myself yet again, but I dont regret doing that, because Im proud of the fact that I served my long dead Ego. I served everyone else accept myself, I can NEVER satisfy myself my dear, NEVER!
Holding on to your hand for far too long now,
I just wish I never did,
For down below I see the ragged rocks,
And the sight of you above makes me shiver,
Death isnt easy,
Let me just die the easy way,
By just stabbing the self inside.
Let me just DIE the easy way.......
They Say..
12:12 AM
Posted by Sana
It gets hard to digest when you realize you have more Foes at your back, then Friends ahead.
And when Life tightens it's grip around your neck, 'Playing Dead' isn't the Best Option.
My Life & Reality bites HARD!
First Day Already?
1:23 AM
Posted by Sana
*rubs eyes*
*stares at screen*
*rubs eyes again*
*starts typing*
So 20th September it was, my FIRST Day at a University in Pakistan. Living back in Qatar I dreamt about getting into a Pakistani University (but foreign it was for me back then). I loved the thought of getting ragged (slightly tremored though), making friends (Pakistani Nationals :P) and the feeling of everything being DESI. No tension of punishing your mouth with English for the Entire session. Not bored about the fact that you would be the ONLY one to raise your hand in a herd full of Dumb *coughs* Blondes in Hijab :P
The First day ran past by in an attempt to catch every possible Lecture that we could. The result, we managed to attend just ONE lecture out of the Entire 6 :P. But then gain better hopes for tomorrow InshAllah ;) Ok so the First Question asked after the First Day is 'Did you guys get Ragged?' then my answer *shamefully* Nahe, we didnt get ragged. Reason, nobody took us as freshers, or MORE like confused, baffled, I'llBeRagged kind of Freshers ;) A few of our Batch mates were ragged because they ran around even at the sight of a group of boys somewhere around the staircase. Gosh, that was effing Hilarious :P. They made them sing Nursery Rhymes. Alarms from the Seniors saved majority of us from the money snatching act, because we didnt bring any.
So a new Day has already begun, just my ritual to pack my stuff and head to bed is left.
Ill be dropping by from time to time, not sure when and where and how.
Keep on looking for me.
I say I'm a Failure
2:52 AM
Posted by Sana
Fixed on my favorite spot.
Time: 5:05am
Condition: Thoughtful
Sinking on this half lit sofa in my Lounge I just keep staring on this blank page infront of me for moments before I realize whats meant to be scribbled on it. Listening to the Call to Prayer in complete abyss, where the birds are the only beings busy in their Praises for the Lord Almighty. I recollect myself, my thoughts, memories, visions, inspirations, and all that has been a part of my life, a part of me for years now and words crawl out from my mouth "M I a complete Failure?". Knowing there isnt anyone here to break this moment of sheer re-connection then myself. I can see the shadow of my hand following the path of my palm which is busy pinning down the thoughts onto the paper.The shadow of reality is the shadow of truth, atleast thats how I try and console myself. Saying "M I a Complete Failure" doesnt really make me one, does it? If I'm a failure at something I soon realize the 2 basic rules about it, either:
- You're not meant for it.
- You're just not putting the right portion of yourself in it.
The value of Hope, Fate and Faith would have been brought to ground Zero by then. As much as the shadow of reality keeps a track of you, it comes running behind you. The transformation lets you know your input and the extra effort needed, till the point where you cant see it, neither ahead nor behind. The point when you conquer your shadow is the point of Supreme Success. Though a shadow running ahead of you is the one that isnt meant for you when you start getting Mirages amidst your sufferings. Running after such a shadow is a complete waste of time. Just like Success comes from within, So does Failure. If we Own our Success we should be able to Own our Failures as well. But if that what comes from inside, isnt Sane enough, then you must be a Complete Failure.
I guess this is Eid then?
7:38 AM
Posted by Sana
كل ام و انتم بخير-عید مبارک
Another year and another Eid MashAllah, glad Allah has spared me with another year, after what has been said and done.Period
Eid is always special for everyone, kids, teens, post-teens, elderly just for Everyone. You can just imagine time flying by, comparing the changes happening over Eid each year. Trust Me that's the easiest way to determine when you Finally went from childhood to adulthood to being Aunty/Uncle :P. Life really plays around with you all the time, I remember my previous Eids spent back in Qatar and this year here in Karachi, everything seems to have changed (myself being the Biggest Factor).
Life changes and so does it effect the people around you, and for me it has effected just a few who mattered to me. This year has been full of changes, and adapting to a life full of changes isnt that easy, you fall, you stand, you fall again, and you try and scrape off the dust and stand again. But what we really have to realize is, no matter how many hardships we have been and are going through, there still WILL be someone in a far more worse situation than you. Try and appreciate your life a little bit more. What has been said and done in the past, cannot be forgiven or forgotten, but what's going on in the Present cannot be neglected or condoned. What things are Now, is the Reality. Either you keep it or you die, there isn't any other option left with you. Yes, the options you have are either you carry on with your Life sulking on your Past, cursing every past minute or You just get over the Past and get going with the Present. Whats there in the past is all piled up in files in your memory, going on along with your life is certainly NOT cheating with your Past, its just how they say 'Your Living your Life'.
Cheer up there is much more to life then just spending your Days and Nights thinking what could have been what, and what could have been better.
Eid is Up fellas, EID MUBARAK to All once again.
Stay Blessed and Cherish yourself :)
A Trip to the GraveYard
3:18 AM
Posted by Sana
Yes the title may seem annoying to a few, outrageous to a little and sarcastic to a hell lot of people. And Im going to stick with the latter. I know how visiting Graveyards is thought to be something very religious and very precise and it should be done properly, but heck NO these days it has been made a nuisance for the One's who wish to visit their dear one's and who are their solely for the Purpose of Fateha. But the moment you enter the Graveyard and offer your Salam, you are surrounded by all those bucket kids, yes the ones who run around the Graves and to be more precise pointing out the graves of your dear one's to you. Infact their GOOGLE MAP is far more intact then your Dearest GPRS, your the one who can rethink of the graves but aan aan they will MAKE sure you reach the right Grave at the right time. May be because they eat, sleep, play and die at the exact place. Then comes the time of the deal when they want You to pick Them out of the dozens of children to be responsible for cleaning up the grave (getting the dirt and stuff away from beside the Grave). No matter how much time and delay you take near your dearest's Grave They have all the time up for you, be it a funeral arriving at the moment or something more crucial They cannot in any circumstances spare you.
The moment you bade your farewell and get yourself and just yourself up for the departure you are first encountered from the kids for their wages and that has to be 200% more than what they actually deserve, a penny less would be considered a Sin and there will be a Siren sounded all over the Graveyard, the ones that can be heard at the time of an Impostor Alert, and an order for your Grave will be dispatched that instance, either you pay or you DIE that instance. That same moment you will be seen surrounded not only by the kids who did your work but also the ones who DIDNT do it, followed by the Amman Buddhan (dear old Lady) who calls herself as the Prosecutor and Demands that 5kg Aata and 2kg Sugar should be given away to everyone as a compensation. The moment of shear re-connection becomes an hour of Epic Drama of kids pulling your dupatta and qameez, following you to your car, wailing, whining, laughing, shouting, calling you names etcetera.
You ask them why is this stuff like this, they answer "Sahab koe paisa nahe dy kr gaya, is lyeh nahe kiya", you'l say "but your the one who is responsible for the cleaning of this area" and they will be reply you back with a blank stare (the one that makes you want to slap them real hard). They don't really have the potential knowledge about Not to Walk on the Graves, but spending 24/7 inside, this notion is lost somewhere in the Air. It's us who have to think twice before we manage to reach the Graves and I for sure decide to stand just outside, because in No Way do I want to step on to anyone being Living or Dead. But because at times due to the remoteness of the Grave they had to take that step and the habit of taking such steps is overpowered by the fact of not doing so. The thing that isn't really digesting inside me is that Why does it always have to be MONEY everywhere? Now what I see is my Mom keeping aside change in a pouch and waits for the time when it is heavier than a 5kg weight and then she plans her next visit to the Graveyard. Aren't Graveyards considered to be the resting place for the deceased, and Fateha is considered to be the One deed with which we can repay them. Why is that meeting with your dead Mother or Father made so hard that you first have to think about having the right amount of money before you plan your next visit? I don't want to go on playing the blame game. Along with many others, this is also a factor in the Country that is left un-attended. The kids are too poor to be scolded, infact while your Inside the Graveyard you dont feel like taking a word out of your mouth and once your Out, you just feel like beating the S*** out of them, but still following the ethics of the society and proving yourself Human enough you try and conquer the battle by Winning a Match of blank/hostile Stare.
Lailat-ul-Qadr
2:45 AM
Posted by Sana
As the Akhri Ashara has finally arrived, and yes Im LATE yet again, I'm here just to drop by a quick note, as per Ramadan last year I had posted a few Ebadah's specifically done on the Taaq raats, so if anyone wishes to have a read, follow the link HERE.
Prayers for Everyone :)
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