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Where my heart speaks about it's anonymity..
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Im NOT an Exception!
11:50 PM
Posted by Sana
What is that feeling when you're standing in a crowd and cant recognize yourself? The feeling when you feel your presence is only superficial. The feeling when you dont know when to laugh or to cry and you keep on waiting for a cue. The feeling when you're standing searching for that ONE or may be the only stare towards you. The feeling when you realize if its even the place you're meant to be at. The feeling when you just wish it badly rains and you cry your heart out with a relief that nobody would notice. The feeling of a void presence, the essence of a silent scream. The feeling when you want to end a burdened conversation. The feeling when nobody notices your plain emotions under the masquerade of your skillful smile. Tell me the feelings of emptiness, tell me that it doesnt exist, that its just my illusion, that all those nights I spent with my eyes staring those walls were just acts of madness, tell me no living being can be empty. Just tell me Im NOT an Exception!
Is it all because of you?
2:56 AM
Posted by Sana
Is it you whom Im looking for all this time? For all I see in a Man ahead are trails of your essence left behind. The space between me and him can never be the same as it was before. I can never be the same, can never feel as I felt before. These emotions have really ripped myself from within, left me wander astray and look amidst life as if love didnt ever exist!
Why do I always have to look for you within everyone I meet. Why is it always you who is at the back of my mind whenever I want to take a step ahead, why do my feet feel all numb when I want them to be there for me. You have left me all useless, hopeless and pathetic. I have been trying hard, harder then ever before to get myself out of all of these childish desires. I lost you and I lost myself a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold on to, a smile to look upto. I cant fill my eyes with those tears again, cant fill that face with that smile again. I cant fill my heart with that love again.
I just cant wish upon a star anymore, I just can pray for a heart anymore, I just cant ask for Love anymore. I dont deserve self anymore. I dont deserve Me anymore.
All I fear now is of dying alone!
The Last Kiss.
4:20 AM
Posted by Sana
Wrapped up in myself, burning my soul in these crypted ashes of the past, this place doesnt give me the peace of mind anymore. The rock's too hard, the grass too stiff, the moon too shallow, the air too breathless and the sea below so dead. The life that I lost which was once here by my side took away all that was, with her. The gleam of the star looks fake, a masquerade of her hidden tears from the searchers above. I know you arent any proud of me looking all astray and bewildered living on this land of the Winners, the Conquerors. I on the other hand have lost all my battles, burnt all my ships, the day I lost You. The day I became the reason to loose you. The day I saw you Dead!
Its my plan to meet you today for once or forever. After a hundred nights spent in that smoke, all those tears lost in the weed, I now have the guts to stand and scream my lungs out, scream to the sea below, "Your about to take me in,and I dont want to be rejected the way Im by life, I know Im a disgrace, but all I ask is for a praise to have kept the power to give away by my will". From the time I tried to cry, to the point where all these glands feel like a slab of dead, swollen, stinky meat. I tried, tried really hard to live like a Man but I failed, failed you for like the thousandth time and apparently tonight would be the last.
Standing on these feet I realize that my legs arent shivering anymore. Since the day I held you in these arms all pale and cold, so still and concrete, they lost the sense of Life. The smell of this breeze defines your presence around me, marks your path close to me. I know what you mean and want from me, but my love for you isnt that strong any more that it makes me live for all those years ahead without letting me know where ill be without you. I cant let you distract me for long, I just cant. I have taken the steps and I can see the distance in between, I need your yes in this. You just cant go all denying about it, making me guilty for letting you go, making me guilty for not saving you when I could. What about your fault, the fact that you left me all alone, fact that you didnt even give me the time to hear you for one last time.
The gush of wind that is now blowing beneath me is endlessly trying to make me fly, the efforts are all in vain my dear, You couldnt make me live for long, you just couldnt. Be my beloved and give me that Kiss for one last time before I end it all forever, before I get a chance to see you after so long. Caress me with your Lips, let me taste the pain that it gives one last time. Let it be my precious moment of Life before I die. Give me your One Last Kiss.
Serenade to Me!
10:15 PM
Posted by Sana
Your soft hands rolling all over the strums, the beauty of their flow, and the rythum that they blowed. It was just so serene. I was the one you used to sing to, hum to, play to. But that seems ages ago. Your memory is fading away, burnt to dust in those chambers of my land. I can't believe I could ever burn my own ship and see it waver away in the sea. Was it that I was a fool or I knew too much?
Too much of who I'm and not you!
Sacred Fragrance
12:28 PM
Posted by Sana
Playing around with her 4 year old son Mujtaba and almost a year old toddler Meherzad, Abeer kept on thinking about how life was when Zain was there by their side. It was hard for her to think he wasn’t there anymore. She could remember the same time of the day but when Zain was around. The kids would run around him like tiny baboons. Meherzad was a Princess in Daddy’s lap while Mujtabba was trustworthy enough to become his upfront warrior and who else had the honor of being the Queen of his throne but Abeer herself. He was the love of her life, her most cherished gem and looking after him was like a sacred ritual for her. He had become that strongest pillar of her life whom she leaned over at any time of the day. Be it when she was not feeling herself or at times when she just wanted someone to love and caress her.
Sometimes she would just run her fingers across his clothes and feel his once present body amongst them. She could pick out his favorite tuxedo and just lie down on the bed with it, sensing him around somewhere. She knew it was his fragrance that spread across the room marking his existence beside her. His strong, bold, charismatic scent that gave her the confidence to be who she was and feel proud about it. His fragrance would take her to those enchanted valleys where separation didn’t exist. Where all she could do was to look at her love and feel him around her, sense him, touch him, taste him, embrace him with her thoughts. For the void feeling of Life and Death didn’t exist in dreams. It was a sacred land for those who believed in union even after death.
Her hours spent staring at the outside world through the window reminded her of their time when he used to count all the stars in the sky for her. Their nights spent in confessing and confiding in each other. Now she could sense his transformation in their kids. His actions can be distinctively seen in them. They were turning out to be complete reflections of his soul. Gateway to his presence in their Lives. She could see him in Mujtaba’s smile and Meherzad’s eyes. Their touch filled her soul with his presence, his luminous heavenly presence amongst them. She could see his words on a note that he left that day before leaving. They say that people get to know when they are about to leave this world, they get this gut feeling that this might be the day when they are kissing their loved one’s for the last time. Most probably Zain knew it himself that day that he wouldn’t make it till dinner that night, so he left her a note.
Dearest,
I will be late tonight, don’t stay up and ruin your sleep just for me. For you have given me a lot for all this time and I couldn’t have asked for anything else. You have been and are the spark of sanity in my Life, my savior from demise. Pray that we keep on loving each other till eternity.
Yours Only,
Zain
Neither did she know that he would give her this note as a token of his love before he left her behind looking for him till infinity. She just stood there in a state of temporary death and wondered how all that could have happened within seconds. She wished she didn’t make that call just to tell him that she loved him, the sound of the collision was as deathly as the thought itself. How couldn’t he see that car coming from the opposite side? She clenched her fists even tight for she recalled the last time she saw his face. Of all the bruises and scars on his face, she saw that he had serenity all over his body. As if he didn’t regret a bit of what just happened because he knew this was coming and he wasn’t afraid of it. He knew he had left behind all his love for her, carefully transmitted in to his kids. She just had to start looking for him in them; for whenever she will look deeper, she will only find a hint of his reflection in their soul.
She felt someone tugging her shirt and to her surprise Mujtaba was standing there holding on to Mr.Bunny all packed for a good night sleep. She collected both of her gems and tucked them inside the bed to have a ‘They lived happily after….’ bedtime story. After all those ups and downs a Man goes through his/her life, there comes a turn where everything turns out to be happily ever after, after all. Life without Zain wouldn’t have been any easier if it weren’t for these two. Days were meant to pass by living and running after them and nights were spent in his dreams for life was now meant to pass on as it did before. The difference remained in his presence which she knew couldn’t be felt physically but had to be sensed by his sacred fragrance all around them.
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